For the past few months Azevedotechcrunch, I’ve been experiencing a bit of a ‘feeling’ down. For two solid months, my left jaw has been locked shut and my tongue is tied. Whenever someone speaks to me, my facial expressions and body language indicate whether they like or dislike me. Physically, I’m feeling all right. The stress of the last few weeks has left me a little shaky but otherwise fine. But emotionally, it’s not so good. As if on cue, every little thing makes me feel more… empty? Eyes wide open—mouth closed—aforever? —Conversations are making everything blurry and all I can see is black. When I try to process things, my brain feels like it’s floating in space and then there’s nothing but white noise… what am I supposed to do?
What’s going on?
My heart and breathing are both normal, and I’m just having a hard time connecting the feelings I have for certain people with the ones I have for others. There’s a lot of ‘why’ and ‘how’ of relationships, and it’s exhausting to try to explain it to everybody. Even the smallest things make you feel incomplete, like how you feel when you’re not on the best day in your life.
Why is everything so hard for me?
Because the past 5 months have been a rollercoaster. On one side, I had a breakthrough moment where I realized I’ve been having a ‘feeling’ for a while. For the past month, it’s been a ‘sick’ feeling, but I’m not sure how to explain it. On the other side, I’ve also been dealing with the feelings of a few people I’ve ‘met’ in the past— my best friend, my therapist, and my boss. These feelings have been hurtful and unkind, and it’s exhausting to try to fight them every time. How do you say ‘good morning’ to everyone that you’ve ‘met’?
How can I feel better?
Well, for one, I’ve been writing more—which has been a huge help. Also, I’ve been going to therapy regularly. Therapy has helped me understand why I feel the way I do and what those feelings are all about. It’s also been a great way for me to get away from my life as a traditional couple. What started as a small ‘meeting’ has transformed into a full-blown relationship, with us talking about everything and having ‘conversations’ on the phone every day.
Don’t talk to me, just think about what you would feel if you could speak again
You would feel so much more normal, so much more in control of your thoughts, and so much more satisfied with yourself. You would feel like you were on the right track, not just on the ‘sick’ side of the scale. You would feel good when you talked to people. You would be happy when you were with people and you would feel safe talking to them.